I did it. I went down the rabbit hole. D and I have been “dating” for a few months. He has come to be the most important person in my life right now. And right now, I’m feeling heartbroken. I pine for him pretty much non stop.
I just went back and read both entries I have written about him. How things have changed in such a short time. I originally wrote that I wasn’t even sure that I wanted him. That I didn’t want anything serious or committed. That I wish I had never told him that I had a crush on him (which is more or less what put this whole thing in motion, aside from him touching my leg).
We have had 2 dates so far, spanning about 12 weeks. The last one was over a month ago. We were supposed to have a date tonight to go dancing, but he had to cancel it for reasons I’ll get into later. I would think that the level of my devastation over this should be surprising, but it is not.
I have fallen for him. So hard. I admitted to myself several weeks ago that I love him. After such a short amount of time? How is it possible? But I do.
The fact that I *have* fallen for him is confusing to me though. When I began my relationship with my girlfriend, I was wary at first. I had just come out of my relationship with R, and I didn’t want anything to do with men at all. The idea of having sex with one was like, gross, to me at the time. I couldn’t stomach it. I focused on and cultivated my relationships with women, both in a friendly way and in a romantic way. I recognized the crushes I had on them and explored that. I actually set out to date a woman on purpose. I remember I did not want to have sex with a man for like 5 years. At least. (It’s been almost 3 and a half).
I didn’t like the idea of being attached to someone you had to check in with all the time. Someone you had to change your life for. Ask permission to do things. Compromise. Basically I didn’t want to feel trapped again. So I insisted on keeping it open. Not because I *wanted* to date other people necessarily, but because I didn’t want to be closed off to any new romantic opportunities that may come along. I didn’t want to feel restricted. I wanted to experience being single. I never felt for her what I feel for him, already. Is it because she is female?
I never told her I loved her, even though I felt it at times. Lately though, or rather gradually, we have disconnected more and more. We haven’t been intimate since March, and even then I did not enjoy it. I have come to discover aspects of her personality I don’t like. When she gets an opinion in her head, there is no changing it. Particularly about health issues. And then there is the weight. I’m all about body positivity, but she eats horribly and has strange ideas about health. If she did not have those ideas, I might feel differently. I don’t agree with her ideas, but can’t say anything because I am met with resistance. I feel like she envies me. I’ve never said anything of course, but I feel like it’s the elephant in the room. And now that I’ve started working out, and have lost weight, I feel it even more. I feel that these things – not being able to talk to her – create a barrier to the intimacy that I crave.
When R and I broke up, I realized I needed someone who was not judgemental. She actually is, sort of. Or rather, she is not open to hearing certain ideas and opinions, and has opinions about things that I disagree with and cannot refute to her. I need to be able to talk openly about things with someone I want to be intimate with.
It’s making me question if I’m really bisexual. But of course, one thing that bisexuals always do is question. But, like, if I’m dating a man, do I even deserve to call myself that? Especially if the woman I’m supposed to be with I feel *eh* about? I mean, I have fantasized about being with other women – for decades. Doesn’t that make me bisexual? I think it’s harder to be with a woman (especially another bisexual woman), if you *are* a woman. We are not socialized to act certain ways. Be aggressive. Take charge. It’s definitely easier, being with a man. That is for sure. Then again, I’ve only been with 1 woman. It’s an exceedingly small sample size.
I do feel that I can be open with D. I was looking at his fb the other day and I looked at our friendship specifically. There are a lot of birthday wishes because our birthdays are days apart. I saw back in 2014 I think, that I wished him a happy birthday and I said that I could tell him anything. Looking back, it was probably inappropriate (fortunately it was not taken that way), but I can see how I felt that way. I do feel very comfortable with him.
He embodies just about everything I find attractive in a man, and I told him so. I looked up what a “Beta” man is. I found one article that was written by a man that had a very negative view of what Beta men were and was basically saying, “If you are like this, stop it because women won’t like you and you won’t be successful”. That’s crap. Then I found another article that basically described him to a T, and it was very favorable. I like these types of men. Sweet. Sensitive. Nice. Considerate. Thank goodness I don’t fall for assholes.
But with my girlfriend (who is actually a rather alpha type personality, interestingly), I’ve been feeling for some time that we shouldn’t be calling each other “girlfriend” anymore. It feels disingenuous. It’s been bothering me for some time, well before the thing with D happened. I’ve been feeling like I needed to “break up” with her, but only in that we don’t use that word anymore. Everything else I actually want to stay the same. I haven’t been able to do it though, mostly because I don’t want to hurt her feelings, and because she will think that I’m hypocritical because I was the one who wanted it to be open in the 1st place, but once I actually started doing things with other people, if I break up with her now it might make seem like I don’t actually want to be open.
She has said before though, that she would expect that if anything ever came up, that I would talk to her about it. I really should. I just can’t bring myself to do it.
So the thing that happened that has left me feeling heartbroken…we were supposed to have a date tonight (Friday). Well, it was going to be Sunday, but then when I brought up that several people we knew were going to be there and asked if they could know about us, he suggested going on Friday instead. Fine with me. He wasn’t upset that they would know, just suggested that it would be “easier and less complicated”. It would have actually been even better because we would have probably have been able to stay out later even though he did not have work on Monday (but everyone else in his house did have normal schedule which would have probably precluded the late night).
Things have been escalating between us. We haven’t had sex yet, but we both know we want to. We have told each other that we have touched ourselves thinking about the other person, alluded to it, etc. On our 2nd date, I thought we would, and I was ready. I had condoms and everything (so did he actually), but he didn’t want to. I didn’t push. I thought maybe he just wasn’t ready yet. That is OK! Last couple of weeks, some of our conversations had gotten quite heated. On Monday, he wrote me during the day that he had just touched himself thinking about me, and made a mess. We proceeded to have a heated conversation. I like keeping these types of conversations…. frequent? If we had gone too long without doing that, I tend to bring it back because I want to keep the level of sexual interest high. This is a completely new experience for me. I’ve never been in a situation like this where I am in a relationship with someone I actually want to have sex with? I know that sounds strange but it’s kind of true. Sex became a sour subject with both of my exes and I did not want to have sex with either one of them most of the time. I find him insanely hot, and I’m very physically attracted to him. He is incredibly sexy. I’ve never been with a man that I think that about! It’s really fucking amazing. I’ve always said I’m not about looks, but when you have looks AND personality? And when they want you back and think the same thing about you? And they think that you yourself were unreachable and *they* feel lucky? Wow. It’s incredible. It’s the best thing in the world.
So we had this conversation on Monday. It really turned me on. It made me very brave. Since things had been going so well, and we were going to be seeing each other this weekend, I wrote something *very* explicit. I wrote a little email asking him what he thinks about when he touches himself. And I told him what I think about when I do the same. I sat on it for about a day, but on Tuesday night, I was feeling very brave I asked him if I could send him something very graphic that I had written. On Wednesday morning 1st thing, he said yes please! So I sent it.
Then, on Wednesday noon, he wrote back to say that he and his wife had gotten into a terrible fight (I don’t know if it was the night before or that morning). I could already feel my heart pounding. I was at work so had to go to the breakroom for some privacy. I could already feel tears in my eyes. He said that he could not in good conscience go ahead with our date unless things with her were repaired, and he needed to devote time to that. He could not in good conscience proceed with our date. Of course, I understand this. But, due to what I had sent, I felt that I had caused it. In fact, I have been feeling that every time I escalate things with sending something that I feel is *extra* sexy – a photo or explicit email etc, this happens. They have a fight and we have to go on hold.
He said it was nothing I said or did. I have to trust him. I have to believe him. He said it’s because their communication is crap, and they have years of resentment built up. Part of me wonders how this is possible when he is the sweetest, most amazing man ever. But, I also know what being in a long term relationship can do. I do feel guilty about it though. And it’s making me think that I should not do that anymore. That I really should slow it down. Was it too much? Am I being unfair to him by doing it? After all, this is all very new to them. I know we both want each other but, am I sabotaging things by doing things like this? I mean I feel like he is receptive and wants it too.
The trouble is that I want him *so* much! I miss him! And he misses me! Right now he just seems perfect. Perfect for me. The man I’ve always dreamed of (Aside from the wife and kids of course). And he likes me as much as I like him – I really do believe this.
I said before that I wanted to be open with my girlfriend because I didn’t want commitment. I didn’t want to *have* to talk to someone every day. I didn’t want to be tied down to 1 person. But with D, it’s almost like I want the opposite of all of these things. Now, I don’t want to take him away from his wife. I don’t want them to break up. However, I *do* want to talk to him every day. I *do* want to see him often. If I got to see him every week I would be thrilled. It’s never going to happen. Can I live with that? Can I live with constantly pining over him? With these fights that will inevitably happen again? Cancelled dates? Well I’m going to have to. I’m so head over heels for him at this point, I couldn’t break up with him. I wouldn’t. I can’t even break up with a girlfriend that is not even really my girlfriend anymore.
Why do I want this level of interaction and involvement when I was very sure that I did not only 3 years ago? Is it because I didn’t feel the same thing for her that I do with him? Is it because I was wounded from my relationship with R? Is it because I (sort of) can’t have him? We want what we can’t have, and I know I do this.
I’ve had dark thoughts that I’ve pushed away of them announcing a divorce. That is the last thing I want. But the thoughts are there in my mind. Pushing their way in.
This level of interaction that I’m craving with him is making me question all the reasons why I proposed being open with my girlfriend in the 1st place.
Have I fallen for him too hard? My level of devastation to his news of the fight and date cancellation makes me wonder.
When we all (he, me and his wife) got together to talk about things way back in August, we discussed that if feelings “increased”, we would talk about it. Do I have an obligation to do this now? Because they absolutely have. I would much rather tell him first (and he will probably tell her anyway). But I feel that it’s certainly inappropriate right now, and too soon otherwise.
I was going to give him his birthday gift tonight. The necklace that I made for him. I only make these for people that I love. I’m not sure that I was going to say *that* tonight (probably not), but I was going to say that I only make and give these to my favorite people…people that I care about most. It will have to wait.
Do I have any conclusions? I think I know why I wanted to be open with my girlfriend, and I know that the situation is completely different now with him, but that doesn’t mean my reasons before were invalid. I think I feel more strongly about him because I’ve already known him a long time, we have tons in common, his personality is quite suited to me, plus he’s gorgeous, and I’m in a different place now mentally, more ready for the relationship itself. I think that if he were a woman instead, I might feel the same thing. Have I fallen for him *too* hard? I don’t know. I do know that I love him. And I’m just going to have to wait patiently until next Wednesday to hear of their progress. Hopefully we won’t have to maintain radio silence after that. As far as our next date? Who knows when that will be.