On Cheating

I’ve been wanting to write about this for a very long time.

I’ve said “cheating doesn’t exist”. What does that mean?

When I was married, I never really had to worry about being cheated on. There was a couple of instances that, if I squint, *might* constitute as problematic for a typical married woman. I did bring it up.

What happened on the 1st one was that I found a pair of earrings in his pocket once. I showed them to him and asked who they belonged to. I think he thought I was actually worried. I mean, I did want to know who they belonged to but I knew it was most likely innocent. He explained it and I said OK, but I didn’t necessarily give him a pass. I let him think that I was concerned. Mostly because I thought I “should”. I wasn’t really upset or worried.

The second instance was the only one that I genuinely worried about. This was late in our marriage. There was a woman who was a friend of his. I don’t remember the exact circumstances, but I seem to remember something happening in the front hallway of our house. A conversation perhaps that I overheard? I think maybe he had the massage table set up there (which would be a strange place to put it but I seem to remember that) and he had given her a massage or something? The details aren’t really important. What I remember is reacting to something that I observed or heard. It made me go back into the bedroom and sit on the bed, seriously considering if what I heard meant that he may actually have cheated on me, or was going to, or that something improper was going on – and if so not only that but boldface right under my nose. It was the 1st time I ever felt that. I only remember that feeling. My reaction, and the fact that all this time I never had to worry about it, but this felt different somehow. Was it real? Was it really innocent like the last time? Was he just testing me? Taking me for granted? Getting back at me for something?

I don’t remember if I took any action. I think I spoke to him about it -I think I said something and I think he tried to play it off but it did not feel as genuine as the last time. I don’t really remember very much. Having said that, I do not believe he actually cheated on me, but something about it was improper. Meaning, he did not tell me the truth about it.

Very very early in our relationship, he told me that the only thing that would ever cause him to leave me would be for me to cheat on him. I do remember mentally filing that away, as an out. If I ever felt I needed to leave, that’s all I would have to do. Then that would give me an excuse to be free of blame, I guess. I never really felt 100% committed to him in the 1st place – meaning I did not believe we would be together for a lifetime. I didn’t feel that he was my “soul mate” – at least, not at first.

The weird thing and I would say totally unplanned in reference to the previous paragraph (meaning I did not plan to cheat in order to get out of my marriage – at least not on purpose), was that I did have emotional affairs with at least 2 men in rather quick succession when my marriage really started to go downhill. The first was C, and the other was my ex boyfriend R. A third might be my favorite band themselves – or one of their members. Of course that wasn’t an actual relationship in a physical sense but my mind was obsessed. I’ve written about this here. I believed that since nothing physical happened with any of those (well, R and I only kissed and that basically set the ball rolling towards the divorce), then that meant it wasn’t cheating. I did not believe that an emotional affair constituted cheating.

If I look at these instances from my own perspective and compare that to how I looked at the situation about my husband, well then I would say that’s quite a double standard.

With C, my marriage was already on the rocks. He came back into my life at that time, and was unattached. The spark was still there and we both knew it. We had conversations. We flirted. I obsessed over him. It was *exciting* to me that it was happening, and that it was illicit. Forbidden. It was exciting *because* it was forbidden. I’ve written about this too. My husband knew something weird was going on and he knew who it was with. He overheard me on the phone, I believe. Another time he broke into my computer and email, although I don’t remember if this was in reference to C or R, but he told me he did because he was looking for evidence.

With R, it was a little different. My marriage had deteriorated further. He had become close to the both of us, and he and I became attracted to each other. Obsessed with each other – but it was veiled in friendship, until it wasn’t. We flirted. We had secret conversations. We really did have an emotional relationship – it became more than just flirting. My husband was more or less aware of this and for a short time attempted to use it to start having threesomes – I believe my husband was attracted to him as well. He used the situation to try to accomodate me but also to maybe explore something for himself. I was freaking out because I knew I would only do that to be with R. Not because I wanted to have a threesome.

It never happened. I left my husband instead. But not because I wanted to be with R specifically. I believe it was the catalyst. The thing that finally tipped me over the edge to finally leave him (and specifically what tipped me over is that R said he could *not* with the drama anymore so he would step back until I decided what I wanted to do. THAT made me decide to leave.).

I would argue though that we were not carrying on with a legit, physical affair. But still, he learned that there was something between R and myself and he did not leave me. I had to leave him. So what he told me all those years ago was not true. I know he believed that I had been physical with R even though I hadn’t up until the very end. And that was only 1 kiss.

I said I’ve been wanting to write about this for a long time, but I’ve also been avoiding it, in a sense. I was afraid to find out what I really thought. What if I discovered that I really thought cheating was wrong?

I’ve also written extensively about my relationship with D. With him, the prospect of cheating was never a thing, at first. Poly is all about being able to be with other people and everybody being aware of what is going on, and everything being okay. I was totally on board with this idea. I mean, the illicitness was gone, but that wasn’t necessarily something I needed. When she started to act the way she did – getting jealous, getting in the way, THAT was when I started to think that maybe it would have been better for us to just have had an affair. After all, she had had affairs, but D didn’t know. Fair is fair right? That would have freed us from her meddling. I wanted it. I wanted to be with him. I didn’t care that it would have been classified as *cheating* in the traditional sense. I didn’t care about their relationship. I believed she had destroyed it anyway because of her own cheating. Therefore their relationship was not valid.

It was during this time that I started to form the idea that cheating doesn’t exist. But what did I mean by that?

If two people are in a relationship, and one or both are cheating, that means they really didn’t want to be with the first person in the first place. So therefore the real “relationship” – the relationship that is the most meaningful to the people involved, is really with the “cheaters” and not the people who are “supposed” to be in the relationship. So it almost seems like the cheaters are the ones with the real relationship and they are “cheating” on it by supposedly being with the original person to the outside world. So the “official” relationship is the lie. The cheaters are where the real love is.

So in a sense, it doesn’t matter that you are already in a relationship. What really matters is the person you really want to be with. The other relationship is meaningless and so therefore cheating doesn’t exist because the original relationship really doesn’t exist. It is not valid. Because after all, if you become interested in someone else, the original relationship is not fulfilling something for you.

Reading it in black and white makes it sound like “a stretch”. Like I’m trying to find a way to make my definition “fit” my statement. But I’ve searched my mind. This is as honest as I can be about this.

I knew that my reasoning for that statement was probably something illogical. Which is why I was somewhat afraid to know it. I’ve never tried to put it into words before today.

There is another aspect to the “cheating doesn’t exist” statement. The fact that morality itself – does not exist.

Things are wrong only because we “decided” they are wrong. I’m not a religious person so there is no law or whatever that came from on high that dictated that a thing is wrong. The only thing that matters is how actions affect people.

For example. Let’s say 2 people are married. One of them gets into a horrible accident and is in a coma for a lenghty period of time – and not expected to recover. The other person can’t divorce them because they are still living. If the spouse gets into a relationship with another person, technically it’s cheating. But is it wrong? The person in a coma might likely never know. And even if they eventually woke up I think it would be reasonable to understand the circumstance and not blame them for it. I do not believe cheating is wrong just because 2 people are married or in an otherwise “committed” relationship.

The thing that harms people, is if there is some form of breach of trust. This might take the form of lying but it might be something else. Being trusted to do something and then not doing it for example.

When I was in the midst of the emotional affair with both C and then R soon afterward, I did lie a lot. I lied probably more than I ever have in my whole life. It was a daily thing. It was really difficult – maybe it’s because I’m a terrible liar. It ate away at me.  I kind of hated myself and felt guilty. So, I know what lying feels like in that situation. It’s not a good thing. It’s not easy to do. And he could tell. He knew something was up. I knew it hurt him. But I also couldn’t leave him because I knew that would also hurt him. Illogical. I know.

All of this does make it sound like I have a “traditional” view on cheating. That cheating itself is pretty bad. I can’t shake the feeling though, that cheating is just not the big deal that everyone makes it out to be.

Why?

Is it because I feel that I don’t deserve to have someone who is truthful to me? Like, I’m not important enough to deserve that? That my relationship is meaningless because it’s what *I* want (What I want doesn’t matter) and if the other person doesn’t want it then that means it should not be valid because I’m a people pleaser and what they want takes precedence over what I want? And maybe I’m projecting this onto other people/relationships? This might be something to write more about another day.

Of course, if there are kids involved, then it can break up a family, and that sucks for them. But it doesn’t have to? I mean, there are ways of handling a breakup where the kids can be okay. But usually there are lots of hurt feelings involved so it’s hard to make good decisions regarding the mental health of kids when you’ve got your own pain to deal with.

It’s preferable of course, if kids are not involved.

I guess the real pain happens when the person who is being cheated *on* finds out. They realize that this person that they thought they trusted, is in fact lying to them. They might be lying about the fact that they want to stay in that relationship or that there is still love there or about where they are and what they are doing. If cheating is going on, there is probably lying involved. Finding out that someone you trust is lying to you is quite painful.

Of course it’s not cheating if the other person knows you are with someone else. That’s called Poly and totally ok in my book. Even if the cheater fesses up and the other partner maybe isn’t super happy about it but is willing to accept the circumstances because they don’t want to break up the relationship. Is that cheating? I don’t believe it is.

If I’m the “other woman”, in a relationship where my partner is actually lying to their partner – do I care? Do I care how that partner feels about being lied to? In all honesty, not really.

Of course saying and doing are two totally different things.

Saying this makes me sound like a cold person. I generally feel like I care about other people – to an extent. I believe I’ve learned some good boundaries, but there is a part of me that wonders if some of that has been easier for me because there is some aspect of me that is essentially an uncaring person. And the fact that I don’t care is what allows me to not get invoved in other’s drama – not the fact that I’ve been a good student about boundaries. Perhaps this is something to write about another day.

So the man that keeps coming into and out of my life – I’ve called him Da in previous posts. He has a girlfriend. He has told me that they have problems. Serious problems. When they 1st got together they broke up constantly. It was during one of those breakups that the thing between he and I started, more or less.

Whenever I spend a little time with him, those feelings come back. That spark. I find myself wishing we could just have an affair. Let’s just. Do it. I envision myself grabbing him and kissing him when we are alone (we are never alone) to force the issue. We have even discussed that we have both thought of “just having an affair” because it would be “easier”. Well, easier for him I suppose because then he doesn’t have to do the breaking up. And I suppose easier for me because I wouldn’t have to wait any longer. Not that I’m waiting.

When we are together, or even when we are talking – if we are being flirty, I feel very emboldened. When we were at a club a few weeks ago I wore something particularly sexy – on purpose. For him. Later I said into his ear “I thought you might like my outfit tonight”. I feel reckless at times. Maybe it’s because I have power? I know he wants me but he is not allowed to. So I can be tempting all I want and I know he will do nothing. Being that way but knowing nothing will come of it makes me feel sexy. Powerful. Important. But only with guys who I know are already into me and who I’m interested in. I have no interest in doing this with random guys or even guys I know and consider to be friends but whom I’m not attracted to. In the 1st case I don’t want to get raped and in the 2nd case I don’t want them to get the wrong idea.

I know I am attracted to unavailable men. Or men who might want to be with me but for some reason they can’t. Like D. Like R. Like Da.

There are times when my desire to be with Da is overwhelming. It makes me want to do something drastic. Like tell his girlfriend the situation between he and I. I know that would ruin it between us though. Do I care if her feelings were hurt if he were to cheat on her with me (assuming she found out that is)?

Not really. I have avoided getting to know her because it might make me care.

That alone is not enough to make me not do it though. Fear of the unknown is bigger. How it could turn out badly. Backfire. Cause *me* stress from her telling people things about me. Making assumptions about me. Or her saying stuff about him, although that doesn’t bother me quite as much because I know those things would be unlikely to be true.

I do think that if I knew of a couple where I knew the relationship was absolutely solid, that I would be less likely to cheat with one of them. However if the relationship were absolutely solid, there would be no temptation to cheat then would there? People don’t generally cheat if the relationship is doing well.

This is all confusing to me because I do believe you can love more than one person at a time. But I also know from my own marriage that in the early days – when our relationship was healthier (relatively speaking), I became attracted to some guys but I never acted on it. The relationship *I was in* meant something to me. There was a time when I *cared* about the fact that I was committed. I didn’t want to compromise it. Later on when things got bad, yeah – I didn’t care. I engaged in those emotional relationships because I wasn’t getting what I needed at home.

So I guess the bottom line is that if cheating – emotional or physical – is happening (I’m leaving Poly out of this statement), I believe the original relationship is probably not in good shape and something should be done there. And yeah, as much as I hate to admit it, emotional cheating is cheating.

But how do you know that you have crossed that line? How do you know if it has reached that point?

I know there was a point where I crossed that line with R. With C I’m not sure. I think maybe I did.

Have I crossed that line with Da? I mean, we have flirted. Admitted our attraction to each other. Even agreed that if they were to break up, he and I would date. He said I was special to him. He shares things with me. He was the one who said he thought we should just have an affair (not seriously – or at least not entirely seriously). I asked him once that if she knew the extent of all of our conversations on the topic and if she knew how he felt, would she be mad or jealous? He said yes. Very much so.

I mean, what we have done is totally behind his girlfriend’s back. She does not know. If she did know that would make her jealous and mad. They might even break up because that breach of trust might be too much for her. Does this fact mean that he and I are engaged in an emotional affair? We are not carrying on a “relationship”…we talk sometimes and say things. Sometimes weeks go by without any conversations at all. And I’m not checking him constantly, hanging on his every word, or waiting to hear from him (like I was before). If I need to talk to him I do. And he is the same. We have a lot of the same interests and friends. Our conversations usually spring from these interactions.

I know he’s probably a bad choice for me, and the relationship would probably not last if we were to actually be together for real.

But at the same time I want…someone. Someone to care about me. Sometimes I feel that so desperately that I can’t hardly stand it. It makes me want to do something about it. But what? The idea of dating random guys right now does not sound doable to me. It’s just like looking for a job. You need to be happy. Upbeat. Emotionally well. And I am not. Da already knows me. I already feel close to him.

So even though I have admitted here that I myself felt hurt when I thought I might have been cheated on by my husband, when *I* was the one who did the actual cheating I didn’t transfer feeling that onto *him*. I didn’t not do it because I remembered how I felt. I don’t think I cared enough because the state of our relationship was so poor and the need I had for *someone* to care about me (and for me to show them the same) was stronger.

Cheating, in gereral, I think reflects the state of the original relationship in question. I believe it means it’s probably unhealthy.

I believe the relationship where a real sense of love and committment is felt and is mutual and where the people involved feel more attracted and they both *want* to be in that relationship is the real “valid” relationship.

Am I a cold, uncaring, morally bankrupt person for not necessarily caring if the “cheatee” is hurt? Even though I have experienced this myself? Does it matter? Especially if fear of other things (such as backlash) is stronger than that? What if something happens like Da were to actually make a move? I would probably *not* say no. My willpower and sense of morality about the subject are not that strong.

There is a dating site out there for married people called Ashley Maddison. Due to my attraction to unavailable men I’ve thought of looking on this site. Finding someone there might give me the freedom I crave while still giving me a person to care for me – and someone to care for. However I worry about someone seeing me on there who knows me and forming opinions about me based on that (of course they are looking on there too so there’s that), or I worry about romance scams. Again it’s fear of the unknown – also actually creating a profile on there might make it a little too “real”.  Like, yes, I’m actually creating a profile on a dating site for cheaters. That seems wrong? It also doesn’t necessarily mean I won’t get on that site – at least just to look.

Since morality is what society decides it to be, and in this case, the person who cheats has already decided or realized that relationship is unwanted, the cheater relationship feels more real to me. More sacred, somehow.

But what if one person is “done” and the other is not? The other is completely unaware and taken by surprise? Well, if one person is done, then it’s done. You can’t carry on if one person has checked out. It’s sad, but it needs to end. This is what happened in my marriage. I was done. He was not. But still the relationship could not continue.

I was hoping to arrive at some conclusions with writing this. I have discovered how I feel about the topic, but I’m not really settled with the fact that I don’t believe that cheating is inherently wrong, by definition. I feel like I *should* believe it’s wrong – even after what I’ve written here today, and that that conclusion would mean that I would then feel like it was absolutely off limits to me.

But I don’t.